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avatar Scavenger23 8 year.ago

I give my daughter self-defence lessons.

She's not the best student. I managed to rape her 3 times this week.

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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

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1. Did you hear that joke about shit in a washing machine?

It went around and made its mark.

2. I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

3. What did the penny thief say during the high-speed chase?

“You’ll never catch me alive, coppers!!”

4. What does the horny toad say?

Rub it

5. What is the favorite pizza sauce of a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe?

Marinarnia

6. My wife decided to sleep in the spare bedroom because she's sick and tired of my bedtime Elvis impersonations.

I knocked on her door at 3am and said Are You Lonesome Tonight?

7. An old Jewish man sits in a subway station in communist Soviet reading a Hebrew newspaper

. A KGB agent approaches him. "Don't you know it's illegal to read Hebrew?" "Please have mercy. I'm old and will soon go to heaven, where they only speak the holy language. I need to make sure I understand it before I die." The KGB agent chuckles. "What if you go to hell instead?" "Oh, that wouldn't be any problem. I already speak Russian."

8. My friend just told me that a kicked down door has no purpose in life

What a totally unhinged thing to say!

9. Why did the Mexican take anti anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks

10. Which animal is the most pessimistic?

Horses, because they seem to nayyyyy all the time

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